unrest

What is God trying to show me? What is He giving me a glimpse of?

When I am grounded enough to approach my days and moments with these questions, I know God teaches me more. I find myself in one of those moments now. My heart is clouded with unrest. Unfulfilled possibilities are rolling around and my heart is beating with uncertainty. I was wondering what God was giving me a glimpse of, what is He teaching me?

Then, as He always does, He showed me.

It turns out, that yesterday, the Haitian Prime Minister, resigned. In a country that lives in a state of turmoil, this is a huge setback. I will not pretend to understand Haitian politics. I also prefer to learn from actual Haitians, they give you the real story. I do know, that this move represents conflict and unrest among parliament and the president's office. Any unrest, is to much for Haiti to bear, she is fragile.

I am fragile. But like Haiti, I am hopeful. Hope defines Haiti. There is a strength in that rubble that is unmatched. Jesus is alive in Haiti despite the unrest that the coming weeks will bring. Jesus is alive in me. No turmoil or uncertainty can change that.

If I were a country, I would want to be Haiti. Beautiful, broken, ragged, imperfect, messy, dusty, wild, hopeful and fiercely loved. No scars or flaws match the redemption of Jesus. He makes beautiful things.

So, I move along. I am full of joy and hope, but my heart is dragging and that is ok. He is with me. He is with Haiti. His glory is bigger and His love is stronger.

here

I wasn't sure I would be here. I certainly was not sure I would hold these things in my hand. A missionary candidate letter. A missionary prayer card. For myself. After months of questions, I have some answers. This time last year, being here felt like a dream, most days it still does. 

I am going to Haiti.  Not just for a week. I am going to Haiti for a year. Maybe more. By the grace of God alone, I have landed exactly where He planned. I am humbled to be His servant in a place I love so dearly. I will get to call Haiti home in a few short months. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.

Many of you know that my journey to Haiti began in June of 2010 when I went to Port-au-Prince for earthquake relief. The Lord led me back to Haiti in December of 2010, which is when I knew He was calling me to more. My December visit and the following two trips, were to Bohoc, Haiti, a small village located in the Central Plateau, between the larger cities of Hinche and Pignon. In Bohoc, I found the Haitian American Friendship Foundation (HAFF), which partners among the Haitians of the Central Plateau of Haiti through academic, vocational and theological education. It is my hope and prayer that in October of this year, after a missionary training program in Colorado, I will move to Haiti and begin work with HAFF.

I am so thankful to have found a ministry like HAFF. The organization was established in the early 1980’s with a secondary school for the area. Today HAFF has grown to include work in Christ-centered academic and community education, human development, and medical mercy ministries. In my visits to HAFF, I have been able to partner in several of these areas. Jesus is alive in the work of HAFF and His presence is so strong in Bohoc.

My roles at HAFF will vary. I hope to work with a Haitian teacher to teach English to the students at HAFF‘s secondary school. I am excited to partner with that teacher to ensure that students get the best instruction on English pronunciation and grammar. Giving young Haitians the gift of English as a second language is enormously advantageous for their futures and the future of their beautiful country. I will also help the ministry with social networking, aiding their growth. In addition, I hope to fuse my passion for working with young children with HAFF‘s mission.
 
It is my prayer that the Lord uses me in Haiti to burn brightly for Him. Haiti needs a love and a hope that only Jesus can provide. I am awed and humbled that I get to love on these incredible people, “We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19. I have so many amazing prayer warriors and supporters in my life. This is where I will share with you the story God is writing. In the months to come there are so many things that need to fall into place, but we serve a God of details. He will light a path and show me the way and I will graciously take each step. Thank you for walking with me.

I am taking the next step in this journey knowing that we serve a God who loves us and who is writing His story, He will tell it perfectly.

run

"I look up. And His voice is so much louder than satan’s. 'I have entrusted you with much and I have demanded of you much. But only with me will your life bear much. So run. Run and run and run into my arms. Run. Run and run and run into this world sharing this story that has Me at the center. This making of disciples, it is my business. And I am with you always and my burden is light. I spill through your brokenness and I will be glorified. I promise. I will be glorified.' And that is all I want."

Thankful God knows what I need to hear. When I need to hear it.
Via this inspiring sister in Christ.

Running because I have been entrusted with much.

Don't be afraid...risk the ocean

My prayer for you and me today:

"Sometimes every one of us fears
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were risin' up
Let your healing come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, We're lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes it’s like we never loved home
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies

Its your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid

Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me"

-David Crowder Band

Listen here

Oh Happy Day

What a morning!!

A late July trip to Haiti is in the works (prayers please, updates coming).

AND

It's official, Danielle and Wes are parents to Amyia & Malakai.
Tears of joy for their new family!!!

Sometimes when God moves, He moves swiftly and gracefully!!! Praise Him, through whom ALL blessings flow!!!!

unexpected mercies

Today these two incredible people left on a big journey.

Danielle and Wes were my gracious hosts one lovely summer when I worked for student life. Danielle and I don't keep up as much as we'd like- but my love for her runs deep.
I learned more from Danielle and Wes than they'll ever know.

Today, they started the journey to Uganda. This is another step in the process to bring home their twins!
I am so happy for this soon to be family of 4.
I think I'll ask to move back in and live across the hall from their bouncy toddlers!
Babysitter? Done.

That sound good D & W...?

Please pray for the Sullivan's. They should be in Uganda 3-4 weeks, with their first court date scheduled for July 1st.
Here are their other prayer requests:

"We would appreciate your prayers for:
1. For us to be able to get both court dates before courts close on July 15
2. Please pray for the judge and his family. Pray for wisdom, guidance and discernment as he has big decisions to make!
3. Please pray that we will bond with our children quickly
4. Please pray for our Lawyer and the social worker caring for our children
5. Please pray for our hearts to be prepared for all God shows us and puts before us"

Can't wait to hear what God does!

living bent low

Want to be inspired?

Wondering how God could ever make it all work?
Meet Katie.
Read her blog.

The tears will flow.
The hope will overflow.

Like Katie, I am
"Praying for you as you bend today for whoever is in front of you. He will meet you there."

I don't want the peices back...

I don't know what has gotten into my lately, but clearly I needed a blog break.

I'm back. Ready to process my thoughts on this semi public forum (which I'm not convinced anyone actually reads). I'm ready to write about love and hope and Haiti.

I've been home from Haiti for a week now.
Away from the muddy roads, big smiles and questionable smells.
Haiti was different this time. It really felt like home. Being in Haiti doesn't feel like I'm watching a movie, it just feels normal.
So many things happened last week.
Doors were opened. My heart was so full.

I've process some now and one particular thing thing is clear.
I am honored.
I am honored that God would call messy and imperfect me to Haiti.
Our last full day in Bohoc, in the middle of a team prayer I lost it.
I mean blubbering tears. Couldn't stop it if I wanted to.
I just let the tears flow. Let Jesus do His work.
To be honest, at the time I wasn't entirely sure why I was so emotional. I knew I was tired and I knew I was sad to leave. I didn't realize until I got home that the combination of sorrow and joy was the product of a girl who feels completely unworthy being told that God does not send the equipped but He equips the sent.
Wow.

We were given this quote before we left Bohoc,
"Haiti will break your heart and never give you back all the pieces."
True and beautiful words.
Haiti has many pieces of my heart and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'll go back home for them soon.

green light

One of those smart people I mentioned in this post, sent me a link to another blog...
and it all started making sense.
This post did the trick.

I find myself in the midst of a quarter life crisis. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life.

What about Haiti...?
This is a question I'm asking myself and the Lord everyday.
Where's my plane ticket?
Send me.
Then I realized...
I don't have that green light.
I certainly have the CALL. God has clearly called me to Haiti. I am going.
I'm not going now. I might be going in a year. I might be going in 8 years.
The Lord knows I want to go NOW but I'm not ready.
I hate to admit it but it's true. There is some work I have to do.

Part of the reason I can't tell people what I see myself doing in Haiti is because I don't know what I see myself doing in America. God will show me. He'll mold me like clay. I'll become the woman He's made me to be. To be that woman, I have a lot to work on. I need to love unconditionally and let myself be loved deeper. I need to depend on the Lord fully. I need to be on my knees more. I need to trust. I need to confess. I need to learn. I need to serve selflessly.

What does this mean?
I'm going to do all of the things I've been doing since January. Taking the classes I should, reading helpful books, looking for a sending organization, talking to smart people. I don't know when the yellow light will turn green...but I'll be ready.

“God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal. Then as surely as God is God, and you are you, you will turn out as an exact likeness of the vision. But don’t lose heart in the process. If you have ever had a vision from God, you may try as you will to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never allow it.”
Oswald Chambers

so you think you wanna ______?

I knew this would happen. Knew it.
That aside, it's still kind of blindsiding me.

Tell people you're thinking you want to do long term mission work. They'll mostly tell you that maybe you don't.
It's never mean. It's usually indirect.
These are smart (Godly) people. They know better than you. They are trying to help.
After similar conversations with several smart people though, it wears you down.

The hoops you have to jump through are unbelievable.
I am exhausted already. And I just started.
I'm not even going yet. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to do (unbelievable).

Which brings up my next subject.
Being asked what you want to do in this ravaged 3rd World country.
What can you offer? What do you see yourself doing in Haiti?

Well heck if I know.
I want to HELP.
Let me tell you the skills I have then you (who are smarter than I) can help me figure out where to go.
That's they way I would do it.
It's not the way they do it.

I get it. It's the process. It's self discovery. It's a journey God has put me on.
He never said it would be easy.
So it's hard.
and at this moment I am fed up.
I'll get over it.
I still trust the people who are smarter than I am. I am grateful for each one of them in my life. This wild goose chase has led me to great places...albeit difficult places.
It's one email after another.
Nice emails. Nice people.
God is moving.
This is new though. I've never felt God move like this. It's so different.

All that matters right now though is that God is moving.
I'm going to move with Him.
Even when I have to be pushed.

I'm learning.
Specifically, I am learning how to let myself be loved.
How to be valued by another person.

I love others deeply. I value other people with everything in me. I love community.

I don't see value in myself. This essentially means that I don't see value in God's creation.

I have taken for granted the people who genuinely value having me in their life. I'm having a hard time believing that statement is true.

I didn't realize until recently that this is a serious struggle for me. A couple specific situations opened my eyes to how I see myself.

I see myself as a tool to be used. I like it this way. I like getting things done.
I don't view myself as an asset.

God doesn't create tools. He can do this job on His own. He creates souls who are assets to His kingdom. He shapes us and puts value in us.

I am valuable.
People want to love me.

You are valuable.
People want to love you.

It's a hard pill to swallow.
It feels weird {even egotistical}.
I'm working on it.
Maybe we all should.

Let people LOVE you.