body of Christ

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:31-32

This morning my devotion gave me this verse - and after my weekend away, it said everything I felt. 

Graciously gives us all things. 

My tired, frustrated, confused self was fed beyond what I could have imagined. Graciously given so much. Fed literally, figuratively, spiritually. I flew into Port-au-Prince Friday afternoon with MAF, and as we entered the city and flew just over the coast to the runway I felt my spirit inexplicably open-up. It was just the beginning. I would like to say none of the physical things gave me rest or sabbath, but the truth is they did. An air conditioned vehicle, gathering at a table to eat among friends, grocery stores & restaurants, oscillating fans, warm showers - - God used these gifts to refresh my weary bones. My greatest refreshment was in my company of course. Friends who have walked through this season of life with me, who are walking through the same kind of season - we shared joys and sorrows, disappointments and hopes. We talked and talked and talked. In English. About Haiti, about God, about heart matters. 

The fuzzy picture in my brain began to sharpen. The image in the mirror cleared, I stood in the bathroom Monday morning looking at my reflection thinking "Oh, there she is, there's the girl I lost."

This might surprise you, because as a missionary I should share the joys, the success the big beautiful God moments- and I assure you there are so many. So, so many. But they come at a price. God is here, God is big but He never promised it would be easy, and my friends, it is not. It is hard.  I have poured and poured and poured, not for my own benefit but for others, for God - and I do not regret one moment. I have not let God pour back into me though. Maybe I have thought others need Him more - but He has no limits. Maybe I have just been to tired to do anything but empty out my brain of all of it. I have lacked to ask Him for refreshment because I am spending all my energy asking for relief - for myself and for my neighbors. For my brothers and sisters. This weekend though, refreshment arrived, is still arriving. And as I reflected on God giving me grace for sometimes doing this thing wrong, I began to think about the refreshment I felt. It was not just a weekend away that did the trick. Not the environment or company alone - but it has been slowly revealing itself for a while now. In fact, refreshment has never left me. God was pouring into my very closed up vessel all long, you know why?

Becasue of YOU - -

 and Him, of course. The Holy Spirit prays for us when we cannot.  But, YOU, your prayers carried me through when I felt lost. Certain of where I was and what I was doing - because I know I am in God's will - but still feeling lost (it's a strange place to be). In that lostness, in that desert, your prayers carried me. They carried me each step my tired aching feet took. They are carrying me now. Your prayers have been the life running though my veins when I didn't know how to face the next plight of third-world life. Those prayers allowed me to do the work God called me too. Pray warriors, you are more a part of my journey than you know. You give hugs, prayers, comfort, money, time, energy each and every day. We are the body of Christ, and while I am his hands and feet in rural Haiti, you are the body willing the rest of me to move forward. 

Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for healing me. 

God has done so much in my little life in these almost 6 months. He us changing my heart in ways I didn't know possible. He is teaching me why he created me. He had to empty me to get me there - but His ways are perfect - and He has never left me - you have never left me. I am surrounded by love even when I am alone. 

Now, as I figure out what's next, as I decipher this plan He is setting in motion I ask that you continue to pray. Pray that I give, give and give more. I can, if you pray. Together, we can serve the people of Haiti - with Christ, the sick can be healed, souls can be won and hearts mended. I see it everyday, thank you for being a part of it. 

A mountain top view of Port-auPrince

April Newsletter

April happens to be one of my favorite months of the year - and this one was not a disappointment! School is back in full swing and my 11th grade class is keeping me on my toes. At the end of March we hosted medical clinics with a doctor who visits regularly. It was a blessing to assist at these clinics and to pray with many of patients. In addition, we hosted a team this month, which kept us very busy. The team arrived on my birthday, and I was grateful to have new friends around. 

With the team visit we were able to work in a morning at a primary school. This was kind of a trial to see how we could work young children's ministry into team visits. Often, visiting teams want to interact with children, and in doing so through schools in the community we are able to enhance what is already there (and VBS isn't an option during the school year). First we shared a preschool version of the Gospel, then the children colored in Christian coloring books. Later we played in the school yard with bubbles, mini frisbees and airplanes! It was a great opportunity to show God's love. I'm excited to see where this will lead us with preschool teacher training . We also hosted two amazing conferences with the team. One conference was for youth and the other for adults, each was divided by gender. God broke down some big barriers and we saw some amazing things happen in our women's conferences. There was a particularly touching moment with my language tutor and God has opened up some doors for our conversations. Please be in prayer about our relationship and how we can grow closer to God together. 

I've also spent a lot of time at the hospital over the past month - not for me! Through a series of events HAFF became involved in the life of a family new to the area. A mother and her four children moved to Bohoc in December. One child has a medical condition that requires much attention. In order to pinpoint the right treatment we spent a lot of time at the hospital for testing. The hospital in Pignon (which is pretty close to what you might imagine a third world hospital to be) started to become a second home for us all. We were grateful to meet some really wonderful doctors and nurses and currently have a course a treatment - the next few months will determine if it is working. I've grown very close to this family and love them dearly. I see God working in their lives and I am so grateful to be a part of their story. Please be in prayer for this family of five. Pray for healing and the finances needed to care for them. If you would like more information, please send me a email. 

I also have some other BIG NEWS! Due to a variety of factors we've made some adjustments to my time here in Haiti. As of now, I will be coming back to the States on July 25th for about eight weeks. Then I will return to Haiti for the Fall semester (which begins in October) and stay through early December, heading home in time for the holidays. This way I will have spent a full Spring and Fall semester teaching. With school out and the Wilson's in the States on furlough during those same eight weeks, I wouldn't have much work to do here - so we decided it would be best for me to visit home too. My budget is able to cover most of those extra months, but am accruing some additional travel costs - if you feel led to help please send me a personal email. I am so excited to be home during some of the Summer and reunite with so many of you! By that point I hope to know a little bit more about my future plans. I would love your prayers that God continues to guide me in the path He has for me.

As always, thank you for your continued prayers and support. I hope each of you has a blessed Spring and I'll see you in July!

God Bless,

April 

Prayer Requests For Me
-The Wilson family will be in the States for the month of May, please pray for their travel and also for my time being the only American at HAFF
- In May I'll travel to Port-au-Prince for a weekend to stay with some friends. Please pray for safe travel and a relaxing/renewing time
- Continued guidance in how I should be used in the primary school program
- Strong relationships with the high schoolers I teach
- Finances to cover new travel expenses

Prayer Requests for HAFF
- The HAFF stateside board meeting on May 4th

- Financial support to pour in so that we can give much deserved raises to our staff

- Each member of our Executive Committee as they balance a commitment to HAFF and personal responsibilities
- The spiritual lives of our teachers and students at IPB

Working with my 11th graders

Derold playing with frisbees at the primary school.

With our visitors from Iowa after a hike!

Two girls from the family I refer to above. During one of
of our many sessions of "hurry up and wait". 

a wall

To know me well, is to know my love for rich tradition. 

I am forever wanting to participate in traditions -to be bonded with people through these ancient rituals. If there isn't a tradition, I will work to create one. I do embrace change, but I yearn for traditions that will live through change after change - after change. 

So, it is no surprise that my absolute favorite author is a former Jew, who fell in love with Jesus after years of being deeply devoted to Judaism. To me, her Jewish past permeates most of what she writes - I love learning about these traditions, I am hungry for her words - but more than the beauty of ancient traditions she knows there is freedom in Jesus. Her words help me find balance in yearning for the steadiness of tradition - but knowing Jesus is steady enough on His own.

I just began reading her most recent book, Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis. 

She finds herself in the "middle" of her faith - past her conversion - past the place of being ravenous for Jesus - she talks of a place many of us know. Maybe you call it a "rut". It's hard to believe I could be in a "rut" living in Haiti - but I think, here I am...at a wall. 

Lauren Winner writes this about the glory road that led her to Jesus

"... I thought that road would carry me forever. I didn't anticipate that, some years in, it would carry me to a blank wall, and at that wall a a series of questions: do I just stand here staring at this wall? Do I go over? Under? Do I turn around and retrace my steps?"

I hoped, that in the days after reading these words I would find answers about the wall - find something meaningful to say about Jesus carrying me over the wall - which I know, He inevitably will. But, just knowing I am at a wall doesn't mean I know anything about the wall. 

Later, Winner writes about advice given from one of her friends, who said this:

"one of God's gift to some of us is just not to be immediate, so that we have to undergo the kind of discipline necessary to have what others seem to have effortlessly." Winner follows this advice by writing "This is something of a comfort."

A comfort it is. Staring up at this wall, wondering what to do about it. Do I even go over it at all? Do I possibly stop at this wall...? Asking these questions, I know God is there. He is working. I am waiting - trying to listening - but sometimes plugging my ears with useless nonsense. I am looking, but often blinding myself with "I wants". 

No divine answers have reigned from heaven - but this I know - He is working on my stubborn, selfish heart and He loves me still.

I don't know what to do about this wall - but He does. 

turn your eyes

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace

I must have sang it hundreds of times yesterday, over and over again. Holding the hand of a brave 11 year old, soothing a crying baby boy, cradling a sleeping 5 year old, cuddling a sick 8 year old. Singing and praying over their little lives was all I could do while we spent 8 hours in the hospital. Hours of waiting, crying, sweating, hunger, shots, shots and more shots. This day could seal their fate. These test results potentially mean life or death. Not value though. Those little eyes, so full of potential, if they turn to Jesus - - look full into His wonderful face - the challenges of this life will grow dim and they'll light up with His glory and grace.

It was a long day of waiting [but, oh what a chance to give Christ's love]. Now, we wait more. Wait for results, wait for God to work. Wait for His answers. Doing for one what we wish could be done for everyone - doing for one, what I wish didn't have to be done at all. 

Saying "yes" to Jesus in this season of life has turned out to be more painful than I had imagined. It's taken me to some dark places, the only light seems to be a pin hole at the end of of a long tunnel - and I find myself running in the wrong direction. But - - when I stop, slow down, reflect, spend time pouring my love out, looking to Him each moment, the light grows and grows and grows.

Even in hours that could have been full of darkness, His light found us. His light filled us up and knitted our hearts together for the duration of whatever is ahead.