"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I stood there, trying to take it all in. Like everything else here, I want to experience it all - I can't though. I can't take it all in and I realize I am in sensory overload. The smells, the sounds, the sights.
As I try to find the English words to the Christmas song I recognize the tune of, I laugh to myself and decide just to be grateful. God doesn't need me to be specific, He's already in these details - gratitude will suffice.
Gratitude is what He is seeking most from me - I've been lacking true gratitude lately. While beginning to live in this society where joy and pain exist simultaneously and life is a constant juxtaposition, I can't find gratitude as easily. I'm too busy fighting tarantulas and moths, watching the smiles of a people full of hope. I am too busy processing a sick mother moaning on her bed as I hold her hand and pray for something supernatural to happen. I'm too busy trying to simply communicate. The gratitude has been lost in my overload - all I can do is go to God with open hands asking for help. Fright, anger, confusion, sadness, loneliness and a quiet contentment have won out in my heart. God knew this was coming and He's full of grace, which is important since I feel grace-less. So, in the season when He gave the greatest gift I finally realize that just a "thank you" breathed to my Father is enough. He's in this juxtaposition of life and He knows it's hard to be here. So my gratitude - whispered, yelled or cried is enough right now. The life in front of me feels like such a mystery and I don't understand any of this - yet - but I know enough to be thankful and I think that means that for now, I get it.
Jumbled thoughts, from what is turning out to be a rather jumbled life - all put together by a rock solid God.
Emmanuel, God is WITH us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.