Tuesday, November 20, 2012

saying "yes"

But God- are you sure? Is this your timing? Surely it would be more peaceful, full of warmth and love and sweet time with the ones I love. Surely, it would be different....than this. Different than surgery, hospitals, work, shopping list, packing list, errands, phone calls, more work. I had this romantic notion, as we so often do, that as the time to Haiti approached, after the ticket was purchased and a date was set, life would pause for me. This notion only existed in some far off corner of my mind, but now that I'm here, the expectation is creeping more forward as the days grow shorter and my departure nearer. 

I spent most of this last weekend at the hospital with my dad who is recovering from back surgery. We are so grateful to God for a successful surgery. Now we enter the recovery phase, a slow and steady climb away from pain. I'm spending time in the paradox of being with my family, who needs me, and investing in my friends, who's lives I'm slipping out of. You see, I have a plane ticket now, and that changes everything. My anticipated goodbyes, they have a date, a time. December 13th. That's all we have until I slip out of this world I've been in for twenty-five years and into something completely new. When I feel like I am still needed here, God is telling me to go because He needs me there. One might think that with all the transitions I've experienced lately, all the goodbyes, I would be ready for this. I don't think anyone is ever ready though. 

I'm looking at my calendar, at three and half weeks. Looking at the hours I'm working with my mom in my dad's absence, looking at the lunches planned, the ones that need to be planned, looking at the errands to run. There's not enough time. This is the season of life I am supposed to leave during? It's taken me two years to get here and now I don't have enough time? Clearly, I have something wrong. Because this lack of time is breeding an ungrateful spirit, irritation and definitely not love. This is all wrong.  I should be completely ecstatic that my funding is coming in and my life in Haiti is coming together - but I still find myself questioning it. 

But God whispers and He says this; Oh, but it's not wrong my child, it is not yours, it is mine, and it is perfect. I planned it just like this, I have made every bit of this happen and you have to trust- you have to lean on me.

So I find myself in one of those places where it's only God. The timing feels all wrong. Flying away from Christmas lights to tropical temperatures feels all wrong. It's right though. It's SO right and in that part of my heart belonging to Haiti, nothing feels better. The part of me not ready for Haiti, the part tethered to home, thankfully it's more tethered in Jesus. Two years ago standing at a soccer field in Bohoc, Haiti God spoke to me. God spoke a a truth that is coming to fruition on December 13th. So on my bad days, on the days when my attitude rivals one of a toddler tamper tantrum, I am reminded by Jesus that this is His plan. The beauty is that I only had to say "yes" and I have to keep saying "yes", even when my teeth are gritted and tears stream  down my face, He honors our "yes" and He turns it into something beautiful. Here's to saying "yes" and going wherever, whenever God leads. 

No comments:

Post a Comment