overload

I stood there, trying to take it all in. Like everything else here, I want to experience it all - I can't though. I can't take it all in and I realize I am in sensory overload. The smells, the sounds, the sights. 

Over. Load. 

As I try to find the English words to the Christmas song I recognize the tune of, I laugh to myself and decide just to be grateful. God doesn't need me to be specific, He's already in these details - gratitude will suffice. 

Gratitude is what He is seeking most from me - I've been lacking true gratitude lately. While beginning to live in this society where joy and pain exist simultaneously and life is a constant juxtaposition, I can't find gratitude as easily. I'm too busy fighting tarantulas and moths, watching the smiles of a people full of hope. I am too busy processing a sick mother moaning on her bed as I hold her hand and pray for something supernatural to happen. I'm too busy trying to simply communicate. The gratitude has been lost in my overload - all I can do is go to God with open hands asking for help. Fright, anger, confusion, sadness, loneliness and a quiet contentment have won out in my heart. God knew this was coming and He's full of grace, which is important since I feel grace-less. So, in the season when He gave the greatest gift I finally realize that just a "thank you" breathed to my Father is enough. He's in this juxtaposition of life and He knows it's hard to be here. So my gratitude - whispered, yelled or cried is enough right now. The life in front of me feels like such a mystery and I don't understand any of this - yet - but I know enough to be thankful and I think that means that for now, I get it. 

Jumbled thoughts, from what is turning out to be a rather jumbled life - all put together by a rock solid God. 

Emmanuel, God is WITH us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Courage

I wrote this post a couple days ago, but then couldn't get an internet connection for 36 hours. In the time I was longing to connect with family and friends, this quote found it's way to me and God comforted my demanding flesh with HIS love and HIS provisions. 

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow' -Unknown

December 16th, 2012

I've been struggling with what to write about my first few days in Haiti. What do people need to hear? What is most important?

There is already a list of funny stories…and strange stories. There are the things God is doing in my heart. There are amazing, wonderful moments paired with moments of pain and loneliness. I do know I've spent a lot of my Sunday continuously ringing out and old rug that is soaking up water from my leaking cooler. A cooler to heavy to move because yesterday it was filled with ice blocks. Anything I've had in my house having to do with water has leaked, and I've only been here three full days. I also know there's a paint roller sitting in the corner that I use to kill bugs. I just used my hand to kill a moth on my computer screen though. 
I think about these realities of my life, and I decide to thank God for creativity. 

I thank God because it's all I can do. When I step outside, when I walk around this place, which has suffered so much grief, God lights a spark in my heart and reminds me that this is right. God shines His joy in my frightened heart and I feel at peace again. 

I miss my family and my friends so very deeply - I miss my home. I'm making a new one though. I'm hoping for what I do not yet see. Sometimes the Kreyol fills my head so much I can barely speak English anymore…and nighttime still feels eerie…but I thank God that I'm learning more of this beautiful language everyday and He graciously wakes me up each morning with new promises. 

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 
Romans 8:25

The Sovergn Lord has given me and instructed tounge, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
Isaiah 50:4

Update: Yesterday, after a session with my language tutor, Phanette, I was able to pray for her sick mother and for the first time I felt like I was in the ministry God called me to here. His purposes for me are being revealed day by day- but day by day I will take them! 

one week

I leave one week from today...and it still seems like it's months away. Just seven days, but it feels like seven months. The amount of things standing between me and December 13th continue to pile up. All that's left to do is pray, depend on the Lord and by His grace alone board my flight next week.

When I do have moments of clarity though- when I realize that in one week a journey years in the making is coming to fruition, I am overwhelmed with excitement. One of the truest statements about Haiti is "Haiti will break your heart and never give you back all the pieces." I'll always have a fractured heart for Haiti - but when I'm there - surrounded by the dirt, the sounds, the smells, the smiles, my heart mends just a little and my soul lights up. I feel like I get to go home next week and excited does not begin to describe it! 

I am endlessly thankful for all of you, who have supported me in so many ways on this journey! Knowing you are with me in prayer and support as I enter this new season is so comforting. I have an army of people who care about what the Lord is doing in Haiti, people who care about me - and your love is and will continue to be felt in Haiti.

Here are my prayer requests for the next week:

1) Time of sabbath in this last week. Time to feel prepared in my mind and heart - for anxiety to fade. 

2) For my parents to feel comfort in this transition.

3) HAFF has a board meeting this weekend. Please pray for the board and the Wilson's that open minds and hearts will make the best decisions possible for our ministry. 

4) Pray that the last minute work on my house in Haiti will be completed this week. 

5) Safe travel for the Wilson's and I back to Haiti - and drive from PAP to Bohoc. 

6) My Kreyol (Creole) skills. I've had very little time for language prep lately, so hopefully I am able to recall what I know quickly- and pick up new vocabulary!

7) Please pray for what's ahead. Pray that God will go before me and prepare a way for the work He has for me. 

I will do my best to update you once I arrive in Haiti. We have a long day of travel on the 13th and internet can of course, be spotty - but I will do my best to keep you informed!

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time 

we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

saying "yes"

But God- are you sure? Is this your timing? Surely it would be more peaceful, full of warmth and love and sweet time with the ones I love. Surely, it would be different....than this. Different than surgery, hospitals, work, shopping list, packing list, errands, phone calls, more work. I had this romantic notion, as we so often do, that as the time to Haiti approached, after the ticket was purchased and a date was set, life would pause for me. This notion only existed in some far off corner of my mind, but now that I'm here, the expectation is creeping more forward as the days grow shorter and my departure nearer. 

I spent most of this last weekend at the hospital with my dad who is recovering from back surgery. We are so grateful to God for a successful surgery. Now we enter the recovery phase, a slow and steady climb away from pain. I'm spending time in the paradox of being with my family, who needs me, and investing in my friends, who's lives I'm slipping out of. You see, I have a plane ticket now, and that changes everything. My anticipated goodbyes, they have a date, a time. December 13th. That's all we have until I slip out of this world I've been in for twenty-five years and into something completely new. When I feel like I am still needed here, God is telling me to go because He needs me there. One might think that with all the transitions I've experienced lately, all the goodbyes, I would be ready for this. I don't think anyone is ever ready though. 

I'm looking at my calendar, at three and half weeks. Looking at the hours I'm working with my mom in my dad's absence, looking at the lunches planned, the ones that need to be planned, looking at the errands to run. There's not enough time. This is the season of life I am supposed to leave during? It's taken me two years to get here and now I don't have enough time? Clearly, I have something wrong. Because this lack of time is breeding an ungrateful spirit, irritation and definitely not love. This is all wrong.  I should be completely ecstatic that my funding is coming in and my life in Haiti is coming together - but I still find myself questioning it. 

But God whispers and He says this; Oh, but it's not wrong my child, it is not yours, it is mine, and it is perfect. I planned it just like this, I have made every bit of this happen and you have to trust- you have to lean on me.

So I find myself in one of those places where it's only God. The timing feels all wrong. Flying away from Christmas lights to tropical temperatures feels all wrong. It's right though. It's SO right and in that part of my heart belonging to Haiti, nothing feels better. The part of me not ready for Haiti, the part tethered to home, thankfully it's more tethered in Jesus. Two years ago standing at a soccer field in Bohoc, Haiti God spoke to me. God spoke a a truth that is coming to fruition on December 13th. So on my bad days, on the days when my attitude rivals one of a toddler tamper tantrum, I am reminded by Jesus that this is His plan. The beauty is that I only had to say "yes" and I have to keep saying "yes", even when my teeth are gritted and tears stream  down my face, He honors our "yes" and He turns it into something beautiful. Here's to saying "yes" and going wherever, whenever God leads.