Monday, August 6, 2012

infectious joy

"Do you know how infectious fear can be…"

It was the middle of the week when I read this sentence in a book about entering the mission field. I stopped in my tracks, I knew that kind of infectious fear, I was enveloped in it. Every kind of fear. Fear of leaving. Fear of fundraising. Fear of what comes next. The tears began to flow, but I turned to my Father and I felt His comfort.

Then, later, that fear crept back up. My breath shortened and my heartbeat sped up. I tried stopping it, I tried to calm myself down. Months of preparation for a move to Haiti, I felt it all falling apart. I was failing. "What happens if you don't raise the money?" I've heard that question multiple times and in that moment, "failure" was the answer the enemy gave me. I wept, I begged God to change the circumstances. I was convinced that I had been making the wrong decisions for months. I had lost my mind. I would like to say that divine intervention calmed my nerves as I remembered my Father's promises. I didn't. I woke up with a headache and swollen eyes, but feeling less crazy.

It took a few days to realize the root of my fear. Obviously, it was an attack of the enemy, but there was a slow onset too. It came from this seemingly harmless statement, "This is April, she's moving to Haiti!" For over a year, this is how I am introduced 95% of the time. I am the girl moving to Haiti. Without this intention, I began to feel like a trophy. 

I had lost my identity. I was a walking expectation, who knew that on her own, she could not deliver. God would deliver, but His plan could be different. What if I let everyone down? I fear failure most of all. This fear was stopping me from fully trusting God, from letting Him do His work. 

I have had to take a step back. My identity is in Christ. 

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10
I am a girl moving to Haiti. I haven't gotten there yet and only God know when I will. In the meantime, I am thankful for encouragement and the faith others have in me and in Christ. 
The Lord knit me together in my mother's womb and He has not led my life into failure. There is nothing to fear. He has surrounded me by the right people and His timing is going to be more amazing than we can imagine. I am not filled with infectious fear but infectious JOY. 


  1. I love this post that encompasses everything we talked about in the car ride home.

    You are a child of the King!
    You are loved by Christ!
    You are God's creation!

    Jeremiah 29:11

  2. Such vulnerability. I've been feeling the same paralyzing fear as you these past few months with panic attacks about the unknown. I lose my perspective and forget truth. But I keep praying for strength and clarity.