I keep coming back to love. That is the only thing that matters. I will not fail (at home or in Haiti) if I am giving love. I am certainly a loving person. I give everything I have to all my relationships. I make sure people feel loved and cared about - to the point that it feels like a flaw. When I invest, I invest.
I have discovered something though- despite my natural inclination to love so deeply, I think I have failed at loving. I am picking and choosing. I am backing away from loving others because it has gotten me hurt lately. I was reading through Ruth this weekend and was again amazed by her selfless and obedient love. I said "Lord make me more like Ruth," and there God was, answering my prayer. He didn't heal the hurt in my heart at that moment, he didn't bring some new relationship in my life- He put before me ways to love. There are people in my life whom I claim to love endlessly- but I was grumbling though our friendship. That is not love. I can choose to love them no matter what, even when it is hard for me. It is still love, the beautiful kind of love that produces joy.
God did give me new people to love too. I am in the midst of a season of changes and there are new brothers and sisters in Christ in front of me. I need to love them. With abandon. Even if it feels awkward - even when I am unsure about these friendships. It is never my job to determine who needs love. It's shameful that I ever think that. Everyone needs love and Jesus has given me more than enough!
When my feet finally hit Haitian soil again, the kind of love I am going to have to pour out will be like nothing I have ever known. Sometimes giving the love of Jesus will come so easy as I see the desperate conditions. Sometimes, giving His love will be hard. It will be awkward. It might result in hurt - but His joy is bigger and His command to love is above all else.
If I want to love the way Jesus does when I am in Haiti then I also have to love that way at home.
He has not called us to unconditional love He has commanded it.
But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”