deye mon gen mon

'Behind mountains there are more mountains.'

I just finished reading the story of Dr. Paul Farmer - a brilliant doctor deeply invested in the Central Plateau of Haiti. This book gave me insight to my future home. It made my heart beat faster for Haiti. It saddened me. It energized me. Paul Farmer loves Haiti - the words to describe his love for Haiti sound as if they could pour right from my own heart. There are so many lessons to hold onto from Dr. Farmers journey but towards the end I found a global lesson. What the author discovers is that with time Farmer learns to transmit his anger over the deep poverty of the third world into a dream of ending the disparities. 

We can be angry. We can feel a justifiable anger. We cannot just be angry. We must transmit that anger into action and we must continue to do so until the very end. Because 'deye mon gen mon'.

love

I keep coming back to love. That is the only thing that matters. I will not fail (at home or in Haiti) if I am giving love. I am certainly a loving person. I give everything I have to all my relationships. I make sure people feel loved and cared about - to the point that it feels like a flaw. When I invest, I invest. 

I have discovered something though- despite my natural inclination to love so deeply, I think I have failed at loving. I am picking and choosing. I am backing away from loving others because it has gotten me hurt lately. I was reading through Ruth this weekend and was again amazed by her selfless and obedient love. I said "Lord make me more like Ruth," and there God was, answering my prayer. He didn't heal the hurt in my heart at that moment, he didn't bring some new relationship in my life- He put before me ways to love. There are people in my life whom I claim to love endlessly- but I was grumbling though our friendship. That is not love. I can choose to love them no matter what, even when it is hard for me. It is still love, the beautiful kind of love that produces joy.

God did give me new people to love too. I am in the midst of a season of changes and there are new brothers and sisters in Christ in front of me. I need to love them. With abandon. Even if it feels awkward - even when I am unsure about these friendships. It is never my job to determine who needs love. It's shameful that I ever think that. Everyone needs love and Jesus has given me more than enough!

When my feet finally hit Haitian soil again, the kind of love I am going to have to pour out will be like nothing I have ever known. Sometimes giving the love of Jesus will come so easy as I see the desperate conditions. Sometimes, giving His love will be hard. It will be awkward. It might result in hurt - but His joy is bigger and His command to love is above all else.

If I want to love the way Jesus does when I am in Haiti then I also have to love that way at home. 

 He has not called us to unconditional love He has commanded it.  

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” 

Ruth 1:16-17

unrest

What is God trying to show me? What is He giving me a glimpse of?

When I am grounded enough to approach my days and moments with these questions, I know God teaches me more. I find myself in one of those moments now. My heart is clouded with unrest. Unfulfilled possibilities are rolling around and my heart is beating with uncertainty. I was wondering what God was giving me a glimpse of, what is He teaching me?

Then, as He always does, He showed me.

It turns out, that yesterday, the Haitian Prime Minister, resigned. In a country that lives in a state of turmoil, this is a huge setback. I will not pretend to understand Haitian politics. I also prefer to learn from actual Haitians, they give you the real story. I do know, that this move represents conflict and unrest among parliament and the president's office. Any unrest, is to much for Haiti to bear, she is fragile.

I am fragile. But like Haiti, I am hopeful. Hope defines Haiti. There is a strength in that rubble that is unmatched. Jesus is alive in Haiti despite the unrest that the coming weeks will bring. Jesus is alive in me. No turmoil or uncertainty can change that.

If I were a country, I would want to be Haiti. Beautiful, broken, ragged, imperfect, messy, dusty, wild, hopeful and fiercely loved. No scars or flaws match the redemption of Jesus. He makes beautiful things.

So, I move along. I am full of joy and hope, but my heart is dragging and that is ok. He is with me. He is with Haiti. His glory is bigger and His love is stronger.

here

I wasn't sure I would be here. I certainly was not sure I would hold these things in my hand. A missionary candidate letter. A missionary prayer card. For myself. After months of questions, I have some answers. This time last year, being here felt like a dream, most days it still does. 

I am going to Haiti.  Not just for a week. I am going to Haiti for a year. Maybe more. By the grace of God alone, I have landed exactly where He planned. I am humbled to be His servant in a place I love so dearly. I will get to call Haiti home in a few short months. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.

Many of you know that my journey to Haiti began in June of 2010 when I went to Port-au-Prince for earthquake relief. The Lord led me back to Haiti in December of 2010, which is when I knew He was calling me to more. My December visit and the following two trips, were to Bohoc, Haiti, a small village located in the Central Plateau, between the larger cities of Hinche and Pignon. In Bohoc, I found the Haitian American Friendship Foundation (HAFF), which partners among the Haitians of the Central Plateau of Haiti through academic, vocational and theological education. It is my hope and prayer that in October of this year, after a missionary training program in Colorado, I will move to Haiti and begin work with HAFF.

I am so thankful to have found a ministry like HAFF. The organization was established in the early 1980’s with a secondary school for the area. Today HAFF has grown to include work in Christ-centered academic and community education, human development, and medical mercy ministries. In my visits to HAFF, I have been able to partner in several of these areas. Jesus is alive in the work of HAFF and His presence is so strong in Bohoc.

My roles at HAFF will vary. I hope to work with a Haitian teacher to teach English to the students at HAFF‘s secondary school. I am excited to partner with that teacher to ensure that students get the best instruction on English pronunciation and grammar. Giving young Haitians the gift of English as a second language is enormously advantageous for their futures and the future of their beautiful country. I will also help the ministry with social networking, aiding their growth. In addition, I hope to fuse my passion for working with young children with HAFF‘s mission.
 
It is my prayer that the Lord uses me in Haiti to burn brightly for Him. Haiti needs a love and a hope that only Jesus can provide. I am awed and humbled that I get to love on these incredible people, “We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19. I have so many amazing prayer warriors and supporters in my life. This is where I will share with you the story God is writing. In the months to come there are so many things that need to fall into place, but we serve a God of details. He will light a path and show me the way and I will graciously take each step. Thank you for walking with me.

I am taking the next step in this journey knowing that we serve a God who loves us and who is writing His story, He will tell it perfectly.

run

"I look up. And His voice is so much louder than satan’s. 'I have entrusted you with much and I have demanded of you much. But only with me will your life bear much. So run. Run and run and run into my arms. Run. Run and run and run into this world sharing this story that has Me at the center. This making of disciples, it is my business. And I am with you always and my burden is light. I spill through your brokenness and I will be glorified. I promise. I will be glorified.' And that is all I want."

Thankful God knows what I need to hear. When I need to hear it.
Via this inspiring sister in Christ.

Running because I have been entrusted with much.

Don't be afraid...risk the ocean

My prayer for you and me today:

"Sometimes every one of us fears
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were risin' up
Let your healing come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, We're lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes it’s like we never loved home
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies

Its your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid

Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me"

-David Crowder Band

Listen here

Oh Happy Day

What a morning!!

A late July trip to Haiti is in the works (prayers please, updates coming).

AND

It's official, Danielle and Wes are parents to Amyia & Malakai.
Tears of joy for their new family!!!

Sometimes when God moves, He moves swiftly and gracefully!!! Praise Him, through whom ALL blessings flow!!!!

So...how was Haiti?

Friends & family,

I hope you’re all doing well and enjoying summer. It’s hard to believe that the mid point of the season is just around the corner, hoping you all have a great 4th of July!

I have been home from Haiti for just over a week now. As you might have guessed, my third trip was just as wonderful as the previous. Sometimes in life you’re graced with this incredible moment when unreal circumstances, suddenly become tangible. Being in a place like Haiti can often feel like you’re watching a movie from afar, but for me it doesn't any longer, being in Haiti just feels like home. There’s always a newness, something God is showing me, but I feel like I am truly present in each moment. For me, this trip stands out as the first time I have been able to return to a place where I felt true investment. While my second trip was incredibly meaningful, I still traveled to a new place in Haiti, however, this summer I was able to return to Bohoc. There is something really special about returning to a place you have served before, you know the people and you have played with the children. I experienced quit a few special moments as well as new experiences!

While in Bohoc, our team of 23 singles leaders had four projects: painting dormitories at the Haitian American Friendship Foundation (HAFF), weighing & providing nutrition to malnourished children, construction on a local church, and working with children in local orphanages and the community. Before we left for Bohoc though, we spent our first evening at an orphanage in Port au Prince. New Life Orphanage is run by Americans and is a garden of Eden in the middle of hectic PAP. We couldn't have asked for a better start for the week! We left for Bohoc Saturday morning and just as in December, the 90 mile trek took close to 8 hours. We arrived at the guest house and I was assigned the same room I called home six months ago! On Sunday we attended church in Bohoc, a new and special experience for me. We spent the afternoon at a local orphanage giving out as much love as we could. For the rest of the week we spent our mornings on the projects at HAFF and working on Pastor George's church. After lunch we spent our afternoons working with children. One very special moment came for me on Monday afternoon, you can read more about that special day on our team blog here.

To be honest, I am still trying to process everything. I'm getting into the grove of life in America. It's funny (especially for this only child) how quickly you get used to waking up with 23 family members, all enjoying quiet time with the Lord and then meeting for breakfast. Nights filled with ethnic dinners, family worship and card games follow days of hard work and hard play. There's a quote we learned on our trip, 'Haiti will break your heart and never give you back all the pieces." Each time I go to Haiti, I give away a few pieces of my heart, to my "Haiti family" and to the Haitian people. I can't get those pieces back and I wouldn't want them anyway.

The question you all really want to know is, "How was Haiti?" Lately, I answer with "incredible" and then, if you're lucky, I give a rundown of our projects. Here's what really happened in my heart though; God broke me. I felt the beautiful burden of being called to a broken country. Our gracious Lord filled my heart with joy and wonder that He would call messy and imperfect me to Haiti. Haiti, a nation that is broken but resilient, dark but fighting for joy. I get to give my heart, time and energy to this incredible place.

So, how was Haiti? Well, we did a lot of work. We built a lot of relationships. We played with the most wonderful kids. We created a family. We had our hearts broken. We had our lives changed. We felt God move. We had the privilege of seeing the future of Haiti in the youth. While I'm still processing it all, I can leave you with this though: there is a bright future for Haiti. They have not lost hope and you shouldn't either. Hope for Haiti. Pray for Haiti.

Thank you again for being part of my journey. Your support and partnership was continuously felt.

Love,
April


My precious Ensesca girl, who you'll hear plenty more about!


Eloch, the best driver in ALL of Haiti

my heart hurts

I. Miss. Haiti.

Remembering that God's timing is perfect. Even when my heart aches.

I don't want the peices back...

I don't know what has gotten into my lately, but clearly I needed a blog break.

I'm back. Ready to process my thoughts on this semi public forum (which I'm not convinced anyone actually reads). I'm ready to write about love and hope and Haiti.

I've been home from Haiti for a week now.
Away from the muddy roads, big smiles and questionable smells.
Haiti was different this time. It really felt like home. Being in Haiti doesn't feel like I'm watching a movie, it just feels normal.
So many things happened last week.
Doors were opened. My heart was so full.

I've process some now and one particular thing thing is clear.
I am honored.
I am honored that God would call messy and imperfect me to Haiti.
Our last full day in Bohoc, in the middle of a team prayer I lost it.
I mean blubbering tears. Couldn't stop it if I wanted to.
I just let the tears flow. Let Jesus do His work.
To be honest, at the time I wasn't entirely sure why I was so emotional. I knew I was tired and I knew I was sad to leave. I didn't realize until I got home that the combination of sorrow and joy was the product of a girl who feels completely unworthy being told that God does not send the equipped but He equips the sent.
Wow.

We were given this quote before we left Bohoc,
"Haiti will break your heart and never give you back all the pieces."
True and beautiful words.
Haiti has many pieces of my heart and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'll go back home for them soon.

Meet the Family

I'll be back soon!
Until then...
Follow our Haiti team, ahem, I mean, family blog here!

green light

One of those smart people I mentioned in this post, sent me a link to another blog...
and it all started making sense.
This post did the trick.

I find myself in the midst of a quarter life crisis. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life.

What about Haiti...?
This is a question I'm asking myself and the Lord everyday.
Where's my plane ticket?
Send me.
Then I realized...
I don't have that green light.
I certainly have the CALL. God has clearly called me to Haiti. I am going.
I'm not going now. I might be going in a year. I might be going in 8 years.
The Lord knows I want to go NOW but I'm not ready.
I hate to admit it but it's true. There is some work I have to do.

Part of the reason I can't tell people what I see myself doing in Haiti is because I don't know what I see myself doing in America. God will show me. He'll mold me like clay. I'll become the woman He's made me to be. To be that woman, I have a lot to work on. I need to love unconditionally and let myself be loved deeper. I need to depend on the Lord fully. I need to be on my knees more. I need to trust. I need to confess. I need to learn. I need to serve selflessly.

What does this mean?
I'm going to do all of the things I've been doing since January. Taking the classes I should, reading helpful books, looking for a sending organization, talking to smart people. I don't know when the yellow light will turn green...but I'll be ready.

“God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal. Then as surely as God is God, and you are you, you will turn out as an exact likeness of the vision. But don’t lose heart in the process. If you have ever had a vision from God, you may try as you will to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never allow it.”
Oswald Chambers

so you think you wanna ______?

I knew this would happen. Knew it.
That aside, it's still kind of blindsiding me.

Tell people you're thinking you want to do long term mission work. They'll mostly tell you that maybe you don't.
It's never mean. It's usually indirect.
These are smart (Godly) people. They know better than you. They are trying to help.
After similar conversations with several smart people though, it wears you down.

The hoops you have to jump through are unbelievable.
I am exhausted already. And I just started.
I'm not even going yet. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to do (unbelievable).

Which brings up my next subject.
Being asked what you want to do in this ravaged 3rd World country.
What can you offer? What do you see yourself doing in Haiti?

Well heck if I know.
I want to HELP.
Let me tell you the skills I have then you (who are smarter than I) can help me figure out where to go.
That's they way I would do it.
It's not the way they do it.

I get it. It's the process. It's self discovery. It's a journey God has put me on.
He never said it would be easy.
So it's hard.
and at this moment I am fed up.
I'll get over it.
I still trust the people who are smarter than I am. I am grateful for each one of them in my life. This wild goose chase has led me to great places...albeit difficult places.
It's one email after another.
Nice emails. Nice people.
God is moving.
This is new though. I've never felt God move like this. It's so different.

All that matters right now though is that God is moving.
I'm going to move with Him.
Even when I have to be pushed.

mani/pedi

My kind of mani/pedi.

Ensesca is seasoned at this pampering thing.

Miss this little diva.

Have you ever missed someone or somewhere so much that you can literally feel it? I miss Haiti today. I miss it from the tip of my head to the bottom of my toes. I feel it in my bones and in my heart. I miss the heat, the bright smiles, the language, the food, the dirt roads, even the smells. I miss it all.
I miss feeling God the way I felt Him in Haiti.

It's just one of those days.